This week on the Good Living Podcast, we are talking about something that I believe will be very very helpful to you in life. My wish, my plan is that by the time you're done with this episode, your interaction with other people will improve drastically. I believe I possess the ability to get along with people really well.
I believe I make friends easily and it is not some kind of talent. It is something that I studied for and I have fine-tuned over time. Last year, before I moved to Lagos, knowing that I was going to move to a new city where I only know very few people and I would have to make my own way myself, I knew it was very very important.
In fact, I'm going to go back and give you the proper backstory of why I knew this was very important. Some of the things that I've learned over the years by reading or listening to podcasts and listening to people who are wiser than me, one thing that is always recurrent, I hope that's correct English, is the importance of human beings. From a very young age, even in class, we learned something about natural resources in, I think, agri-science in school.
What is the most important resource in everything on this list now? He taught us that it was human resource, right? That was the most important thing and that stuck to me. Then growing older, I think the last two years or so, I wanted to know what it takes to have a fulfilled life. What would it be? What kind of life would I live such that at the end of my life, I would be like satisfied.
You know what? I can go now and it is the quality of your relationships. When I first had a phone that could connect to the internet, I used to go on not Reddit, but some of these platforms where people would just be discussing things that look like Reddit. One of the rabbit holes that goes down was, for example, how does it feel to get shot? I used to ask, how does it feel when you are dying? Also, what do people on their deadbeds regret most? In terms of their regrets, it is mostly not doing the things that they wanted to do.
At that point, when they ask them, what do you care most about? What is the thing that you're most proud of at the end of your life? You say, you know what? I did well there. I can die because of that. It is the people who fostered quality relationships, deep quality relationships.
That is why I am huge on depth of connection. Right now, I'm sitting on the edge of my couch with this phone on the phone stand. Yeah, I'm recording into my phone.
Very simple setup. Recording into my phone that is sitting on the windowsill. I'm going to take a picture of this setup like this and post it in a discussion group.
If you're not in a discussion group, let this, even if this is the only reason you joined a discussion group, to see this image, make it be so. Also, knowing this, I've invested my life in trying to make sure I cross all these things. I create deep, lasting human connections.
Also, I do everything that I want to do in this life so that I don't have any regret. I should have done that. So far in my life, there is nothing that I will say, oh, I should have done that.
Actually, since I had this realization, since I knew, I just follow my heart while using a sprinkle of my head. And I always tell people, if something happens to me today, I'm okay. I mean, I'll miss people and I will hate the fact that I didn't get to achieve everything that I'm supposed to, especially while recording it, which is so cool.
But besides that, I'm chill. And so circling back to the topic of today, I made a list of 10 things to do to make you better with people. Number one on that list is fix your energy.
Every human interaction starts with first contact. Everybody you meet, they always first contact. And first contact is where first impressions are born.
And you cannot give a positive first impression if you have a negative vibe. And so if your energy is not right, by energy not being right, I'm talking about your mood, your state of being inside. If you're upset, or you're angry, or you're sad, or you just, you feel some envy towards somebody, or there's some bitterness in you, you know, if you're not in that oppity, giddy vibe, it's not best to approach people in that state.
You have to be in an oppity, giddy vibe, a genuine one. It's not one that you just conjure up. But I'll get to the point where you can clear that.
So the first thing to do is to fix your energy. Make sure if you're meeting anybody for the first time, whatever it is that is worrying you, just let go of it. Try to focus on something positive.
And gratitude is a great way to fix your energy. Once you start thinking of the reasons that you're grateful. One of the easiest ones for me is my legs.
The fact that I have legs, I can stand upright. My full height is something that people can gauge. Imagine being 6'2 and you're relegated to a wheelchair.
So you can't even embody that identity of being 6'2 anymore because you don't have legs. So my legs are one of the easiest things I'm grateful for. And then you can also add in your family, your friends, with the job that you have, even if you may not like it.
Somehow I have this bias thinking everybody is unfulfilled and that's not the case. So I always talk about the job as a negative thing. But that is something that... So just bring to the forefront of your mind things that you're grateful for.
Keep them there and be excited about them. Sometimes even be excited about the future. These are the things that fix your energy.
And so when you meet somebody in this vibe, you transmit it because energy is just there. It doesn't die. It just transforms.
And so somebody who comes in contact with you can actually feed off your energy. Because no matter what the state was that they were in, they notice when they meet somebody with high positive energy. They might not notice, ah, this guy's energy is good.
They may not be able to articulate it like that. But their subconscious knows that there's something about this guy's energy that is dope. And it makes them want to be around you.
Number two, lead with value. Be the person that if people call you or see your call or interact with you, they get something out of it. And so compliments is one form of free value you can provide.
In the book, How to Influence and Influence People, it says when you meet somebody for the first time, pay attention to them, especially before you have to interact with them. So if you know you're going to talk to this person at some point, watch them. Pay attention to them.
One of the goals of that is to find something about them that you genuinely like. Not fluffy compliments that don't mean anything or you want to give a compliment just for the sake of it. Find something that you genuinely like, you genuinely find fascinating about them, and then tell them about it when you eventually have to interact with them.
If it's somebody from across the room or somebody you want to approach, what is it that attracted you to them in the first place? If you can identify that, then that could be the basis of your compliment. If you can't, you find something that you think is nice. The color of their hair, color of their eye, their height, their haircut, the shirt they're wearing, the shoe, the watch, something.
Oh, and by the way, that watch thing, don't go doing, oh, nice one. How much would this be? If you see a very nice, even expensive watch, just so that you don't go and now start putting yourself under somebody. You can just compliment how good it is.
If it is clearly a luxury watch, you can tell him it's an excellent choice or whatever, but don't go glazing people because they spent money. Please, I beg, if you are listening to this podcast and you are doing that, stop or stop listening to the podcast. Number three, generate confidence.
Yes, it's not to show as if you are confident. No, generate the confidence within yourself. And generating confidence comes from competence, you get.
Yes, I believe that I am who I say I am because I do things that align with that identity. The things that I do in private for practice to elevate myself and my mind, I deserve to feel this level of confidence because I'm that guy or that girl. And so that's how you generate confidence, by competence, by ability, ability that comes through practice.
The same way I speak to you now, I speak to you guys on this. I know many people will listen to this audio, but right now it's just me. But at the same time, if you tell me to speak in front of a stage of people, yeah, there may be some stage fright because now the eyes are actually on me, but my ability to deliver sensible talks is undeniable.
I have proof of it. I have proof in the practice and in the work that already exists on the Good Living Podcast. Let evidence be the basis of your confidence and people can spot that.
Fourth one, see people. In parenthesis, I put the word sonder, S-O-N-D-E-R, which is understanding that other people have lives that are as real and complex as yours. So when you sonder, you create empathy for people.
It's easier for you to understand the complexity of someone else's life and get out of your own shell from time to time. It means to really see people beyond the face and the feeling they generate for you. Look into the eyes, the eyes, the window to the soul.
Look into their soul with their eyes sometimes. Don't be creepy, please. But see people is the whole idea.
See people and sonder. It just generates empathy within you. Number five, full honesty.
In parenthesis, in brackets, I wrote, let the energy flow. If your question is posed to you, you don't need to lie. Please don't lie.
If somebody asks you a question, try to let the energy flow. Whatever the answer is that is coming to your head, let it flow. So this one is linked to morality.
But if people know you as an honest person with integrity, they would like to work with you, they would like to be around you because they know you may not talk often, but if you talk, it's the truth and they can hang on it. I've noticed in my experience that people like you being honest with them and they'll always come to you for advice and feedback and different things because they trust your word because you have a reputation of being honest and letting the energy flow when you have to say something. Next one, enforce slash set boundaries.
As a person with high empathy, you put yourself in people's shoes a lot and because of that, you wonder, ah, wouldn't this person feel bad if I do this? Even if that this, that action you want to take is good for you, it is for self-preservation. But if you're going to feel bad for another person and then to your detriment, that's stupid. It shouldn't be stupid.
So you have to set clear boundaries before anybody else exists. You get, you don't set boundaries for people, you set boundaries for yourself. And then when people now come, you interact with them.
But when one is trying to violate the boundary, you slap them for it. We don't cross that line. You feel me? But we're going to now say you have no boundaries or live life without boundaries and then let it be that is when somebody wants to fuck up that you check them.
It's going to be very hard for you to keep up and you'll be very inconsistent with it because now your emotions will start playing with you. You will now start making decisions on boundaries based on how you feel in the moment. And that is stupid.
So boundaries around your space, around your body, around your business. Think about spending time, drop your fucking phone and let it be one of the brain gigs you do in your free time. So drop your fucking phone and write down your boundaries clearly.
And an easy clue to get your boundaries is based on how you live already. And so this one thing that boundary does, it checks your own behavior. You know, I wouldn't go to somebody else's house and start barging into every room in their house.
Because I wouldn't want you to do it to me. And so if that is already my boundary, where if you come into my house, you're not just allowed to start walking around the place without me inviting you to do so. Or that helped me check my behavior.
So I don't go doing it somewhere else. And so one of the reasons for boundaries is that one of the important reasons that you have to set boundaries outside of external influences is because it checks your own behavior and gives you a code of conduct. And so don't also forget to enforce them when need arises.
Not because, oh, because now fine girl, you'd let her violate you in a certain way or because now my new friend, let him violate you in a certain way. Don't do that. Next one, make effort for people.
Make effort for people. Go out of your way for people whenever you can. A lot of times you will not even be reciprocated for this.
And I implore you not to expect reciprocation for this as well. If you have time and energy and somebody needs your help one way, see how far you can take it until you can't anymore. That makes you a very valuable person.
That makes you a very resourceful person. And it doesn't take much to do. A lot of the things I'm talking about are free.
And I try to make sure also it's free stuff because everything here now, you can now use money to amplify. Money's an amplifier. Those extra mile efforts, they go a long way in increasing your value in the eyes of people.
And the way you get good with people is if they see you as valuable, if they see something within you that is admirable. So that's one thing you can do. Make efforts for them.
Next up is listen to understand. This one would have gone under leading with value. But generally, the whole hack of this thing is to become a valuable person, be self-sufficient and then be valuable.
But the idea is to become self-sufficient first because you're not part of an empty cup. Listen to understand. When you're talking to people, it is very easy for you to start becoming self-indulgent.
Like somebody will say something like, since I learned this thing, I've stopped doing it and I now notice it in many people, where somebody will be like, they'll be listening to someone else talk. And they'll say, like me like this now. You see that, say that like me like this now if I want.
You try to now twist the spotlight and put it on yourself. And they don't feel hurt when you do that because now out of the abundance of the hack, the mouth picket, it shows that while they've been talking, you've been thinking about yourself the whole time. And so you have your entire lifetime to spend with yourself.
So really give yourself a break sometimes. And when you are interacting with other people, listen to them to understand, to feel the feelings that they are trying to get you to feel, to really get them. And when people feel understood, they like to spend time with you because they know, ah, you, everybody wants to be seen.
Everybody wants to, they want to get validation that their self-image is replicated in the minds of others. And so if somebody is talking to you and you're really listening to them, they get more of that feeling. But the idea is to make effort to listen and understand.
And I learned about listening mostly from podcasting when I was in many interviews. I knew that one of the best ways to get information out of people is to just keep quiet. Just let them talk.
If there's silence, let the silence rest. Let it breathe. You don't have to fill it up with your own talk.
Listen to them. If they take a break, don't assume that they're done talking. Give them like five seconds.
They will continue saying something. And usually they go into further depth after that break. So listen to people, you know, some people just want to unload.
In arguments, for example, I find it very easy to navigate arguments and to convince people because if, and this I learned from how to influence and how to win friends and influence people. Or honestly, I don't know from which of these books I learned this thing. But if you let somebody talk and exhaust, especially somebody in an argument with you, if you let somebody talk and exhaust their points, it is very, very, very tasking to do, very difficult to do.
But letting people exhaust the thing they want to say really, really, really, really helps you persuade them. If you try to change someone else's mind or negotiate something with somebody, letting them speak and listening to them while they speak. One, it will give you insight on their own position and now help you with more information on how to find common ground.
Two, they would have exhausted everything they wanted to say and their guard would be down now. But if they are talking and interrupting, like, you guys are not going to go anywhere. I find it to be extremely stupid when people do that.
I'm like, you're going to knowledge is power. You don't, you just don't know that this method doesn't work. So you don't do it.
So sorry that you don't know. But I really do feel like, ah, these guys, they don't have the knowledge. Whenever I see that happening, where somebody is trying to argue or make a point and the other person is interrupting them to try to make their own points.
I just be like, ah, if you knew better, you wouldn't be both of you wasting your time. We've got two more, number nine and 10. Number nine is a simple, small trick.
Return the floor. Many times, and I think this is a good point to follow the previous one. It's not in every situation that you can let somebody finish talking.
Sometimes it is important that you interject to say something very important because it is a time sensitive contribution. And so you have to interrupt politely to make a point. Always make it a point of duty to return the floor to the person you took it from.
So if somebody is talking and they go, you're talking and you say, hey, based on that point, sorry, sorry, hold on, let me say this first. Based on that point, you now say one or two things. Please now eventually finish your point and say, hey, please go ahead.
There's a slight offense the ego takes when one is interrupted in public. And that builds that tiny bit of resentment or it just conjures up a little bit of negative energy for you from that person who you interrupted and took the floor from. But here's the interesting thing.
If you give the floor back, that negative energy gets transformed into positive energy and it is expanded as well. So if they were indifference towards you, you took the floor from them and interrupted them. Their love for you could go to minus two.
But if you give it back, it goes up to plus four. That's the whole idea. That's the mechanism of how it works.
And so that's why it's important to give the floor back. And that's why it made this list. And then finally, on our list, don't chase.
This list is about being good with people and being a follow follow or somebody who wants one person to be their friend or boyfriend or whoever, by all means. It's not going to help you because then you put yourself in a position of the adorer and them in a position of the adored. And that's a dynamic that I truly hate.
I'm very much a fan of egalitarian systems where everything is equal, where people have mutual respect and all of that, regardless of status or anything or anything. Whenever we meet, we should have mutual respect. There should be a level playing field between us at all times.
And so you should make friends and connections really, really based on energy. If somebody feels like they're always taking from you, they don't deserve to be your friend. You know, being good to people.
Yeah, on face value, you can be nice to everybody, be respectful to everybody, regardless of their walk of life or whatever. But this one is very important in people in terms of people who you want to do long term things with long term friendship or business partnerships and things like that. Because I believe.
If we are supposed to collaborate in any way, shape or form in whatever kind of relationship we are about to have. Upon first contact, we should both feel it. We should both feel it.
So if I contact you first and you are doing left, right, left, right, one can, one can with me. I'm going to let you be. And there is no malice.
I may feel bad that you are forming for me, but those things, they fizzle out of my mind within seconds. And that's that. And then when I meet somebody that we are on the same level, we don't form for each other.
We both want to achieve something greater than ourselves together, whether it's a lasting relationship or a business or something. We both feel it and then we work towards it intentionally. Omo, this potter is longer than I thought it was going to be.
In my mind, I was like, let us do a short episode. Let us do a short episode that's going to have some value packed in it. Well, this is longer than I thought it was going to be.
If you have anything to add to this list that has worked for you, let us know in the discussion group. It is very important for everybody listening to this and even for myself to have more tips to work well with people. Human beings are the greatest resource that includes you and that includes me and everybody else on earth.
So it is good that we accumulate as much of those valuable ones as we can. Thank you very much for listening to Good Living Podcast. See you next week.